Did he really say that?

The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes = GEORGE CARLIN...Stained glass, engraved glass, frosted glass–give me plain glass = JOHN FOWLES...Music is the mathematics of the gods = PYTHAGORAS...Nothing is more fluid than language = R.L.SWIHART

Thursday, January 31, 2013

An Ivitation From Scott & Zelda...

...Not them personally but the following letter is from the only museum on planet earth fully dedicated to Scott & Zelda. The museum is housed on the street where Zelda Sayre was born and raised. It is where Mr. & Mrs. Fitzgerald lived in 1931...

Dear Fitzgerald friends and family,

Please let this remind you that we have but 4 weeks left to go until Gala Week begins! Check out the attached poster for all the details!

Tickets are $35/Single or $60/Pair - and they'll get you dinner, drinks, and the best live hot jazz in Alabama for a Roaring Twenties sort of evening at the world's only museum for Scott or Zelda!


Thank you for your support. We can't wait to hear from you and we hope you soon!

Cheers,

Willie Thompson
Executive Director | The Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald Museum
334.264.4222 | info@fitzgeraldmuseum.net


Onion SPORTS Network's Subliminal Intervention




God, Rat, & Killer
Share
Baltimore Ravens' Uniform
During 3rd Quarter
Of Superbowl XVII





It flashed on the screen in two quick winks of the eye while a panel of sportscasters were discussing the Sunday's Superbowl.
Unfortunately, this subliminal intervention can never be proven hyperlinked.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

One More Nina Song


Of all the singers posted on these pages, one and only actually employed me.
But enough about me.

The singer is, of course, Nina Simone. However, to call her a singer is like calling Jesus Christ a guy.

Nina appears on five pages of this blog.

Her music appears wherever people have intelligent ears.



Blogger's CAUTION
The "me" hyperlink was written long before I attended Mr. Bloggy's Format & Editing Seminar.
"Me" will be edited upon request. Within its content is another hyperlink to a story written centuries before Mr. Bloggy granted me certification for good writing habits.

Hot Onion News From The Future




NEW MISS AMERICA
IN DANGER OF LOSING CROWN
AFTER OFFICIALS UNCOVER
DETAILS
FROM HER SORDID FUTURE






If you were to google Mallory Hagan today, you would have access to over two million websites. But, according to the hyperbolic logic of Onion News Network...
If you could google for Mallory Hagan exactly five years from today,
her name will probably give you access to a significantly lower number of websites.
According to the hyperbolic logic of the Lewis Carroll School, one of those future websites will be entitled the Anti-Vanessa Miss America.
However, if you or me or anybody, presently googles that title, enclosed by quotation marks, the response is...
No results found for "Anti-Vanessa Miss America".

It is presently 7:43 AM Pacific Standard Time and the date is January 30, 2013.
The co-chancellors of the Lewis Carroll School, Etta Seamster and Daniel Dimaria, are on a well-deserved sabbatical. They are inaccessible to me, which would be sad news if it weren't for their Executive Secretary, Carl Hobbes.

Mr. Hobbes confirmed the following unadulterated factual information: Bess Myerson, Vanessa Williams, and Mallory Hagan represented the state of New York before they were crowned Miss America.
Myerson wore the crown in 1945 and Williams wore the crown in 1983.

"Mr. Hobbes would it be reasonable to state that Queen Bess and Queen Vanessa are the two most accomplished Miss America's in the entire history of the pageant?"
"The answer to that question, Paul, is a resounding YES."
"And YES rhymes with Bess and Vaness."
"Are you actually going to post that sentence."
"Mr. Hobbes, I'm certain your bosses' parents would approve."
"And Lewis Carroll would probably do the same. OK, Paul. Consider yes/Bess/Vaness sanctioned but immediately do the yin yang thing and direct this page back to the Anti-Vanessa concept."
"Will do, sir."

Bess Myerson was the first Jewish woman to wear the Miss America crown but in 1988, she was arrested for shoplifting.
Vanessa Williams was the first African-American woman to wear the Miss America crown but she had to relinquish the crown prematurely when "Penthouse Magazine bought and published nude photographs of her." However, the measure of her artistic and Oprah-like talents are enough to launch over thirty million websites.
For Vanessa, her brief encounter with ill-repute has been eclipsed by the current status as one of the most influential women in America and all points elsewhere.



But Mallory Hagan is the only Miss America whose picture is on this page has shock value only because the Onion News Network can report news five years before it happens...after racy photographs, an embarrassing attempt at a singing career, and drug problems have been unearthed in her future.




Pursuant to the Onion prognostication...Imagine this 2018 dialog between two New York women on the Vanessa Yin Yang Channel>>>

Queen Vanessa:: Hey girlfriend, you are the anti-me.
Queen Mallory:: Say what?
Queen Vanessa:: You were not Queen for a day. YOU were Queen For A Year but that year was entirely free of controversy or scandal.
Queen Mallory:: I was just doin' my job, Queen V.
Queen Vanessa:: You put the reign before the racy photographs.
Queen Mallory:: Yeah, so?
Queen Vanessa:: Your purity preceded your pornographic moment and you ended up in Onion poverty and disgrace.
Queen Mallory:: Whatever.
Queen Vanessa:: If only you followed my career path and had a pornographic moment while sitting on the throne...That Miss American throne could have catapulted you to success and...
Queen Mallory:: You going to throw me out now.
Queen Vanessa:: Absolutely not! I am going to adopt you.




Blogger's Request
Please Please Please forgive me Bess Myerson.
I am sorry for singling out your shoplifting moment and offer this utterly classic bi-cultural video to show off some of your extravagant talent.
The man who moderated the segment was the Godfather of Late Night Comedy, also known as Steve Allen.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

One Last Nilsson Song (HN #5)




One is the loneliest number
That you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It's the loneliest number
Since the number one

No is the saddest experience
You'll ever know






And it is an ironic experience when you're sadness dovetails with simple arithmetic.

A Personally Requested Nilsson (HN #4)


No, I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go
And now it's only fair
That I should let you know
What you should know

I can't live if living is
Without you
I can't live,
I can't give any more



For very personal reasons, at this specific moment in time, Nilsson's Without You is a most appropriate post.

Duo Of Bottomliner Dualities



Are these examples
Of confessions over drinks
Or is it
Cordials w/ Contradictions?


Attention
Brothers Bill & Eric
Please Please Please
Re-introduce the
Boondock Brothers
To 2013

Boondock Kids Talking About Couples



Aaron MacGruder
Where Are You Now?

from 8 months to number 8





In the

World According to Bliss

This

Is

Mother P'lock

On The feeding block

Training

Baby Jackson Pollock


His splattering antics

Were so great

Jackson immortalized

The Number 8

But mere mortals

The same can do

By simply cubing

The Number 2





Blogger's Note

The Artithmetic Department of the Lewis Carroll School described the mathematical process of cubing numbers as Numerical Cubism.


Van Gogh's Shrink with Expanded Title






Formerly known as

Portrait of Dr. Gachet

This classic V Van Gogh painting

Has been re-titled

Dr. Gachet With Cellphone On Hold







Five Bedrooms With Van Gogh...$13130


2-storey

2-gabled

Box-hedged

Brick

House

Has

Four

Bedrooms.


The fifth bedroom is a magnificently framed limited edition print of...




Vincent Van Gogh's

Bedroom In Arles

Which will soon be on view

At the neighboring

Detroit Institute of Fine Arts



Within the Bedroom In Arles, there are five small pieces of Vincent's art, including a self-portrait over the bed.

Dig me Daddio
And I tell you, Pal
In the College Park of Lasalle
If this is not the DudeRanch Detroit
Deal of the year
I'll cut off my ear.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Backside Paper




SIR or MADAM
Would you read my book
Took me years to write
Would you take a look

It's the dirty story
Of a dirty man
And his clinging wife
Doesn't understand.
His son is working
For the Daily Mail,
It's a steady job
But he wants to be
A Paperback Writer




Vinylly speaking, this Beatles song was on the backside of RAIN which was youTubally featured at the very bottom of the previous post.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Nilsson The Third & Four Liverpoodles (HN #3)



The sun comes up
The sun goes down
The sun goes round
And round and round
The moon comes out
Behind the clouds
The clouds give in
And suddenly there's rain
Not enough to hurt the grain
Just enough to ease the pain
All I need is a bit of rain





WINTER 1973
While George Harrison was getting curiouser and curiouser about that thing called spirituality, Ringo Starr was spending quality time with Elton John in Los Angeles.
But here comes the sun a question:
When does a crash pad become a launching pad?
And there goes an answer:
For Rock&Roll superstars, that would be the "home" of another superstar, where life's necessities, amenities, recording equipment and pharmaceuticals would be boundless.
For Ringo and Elton, it was Harry's house but not Harry Chapin nor Harry Belafonte nor Harry the Horse. This was the Harry better known by his surname, NILSSON.
At this time, Mr. Nilsson's guest list included the likes of Paul McCartney, David Bowie, and Mick Jagger.
Please allow this graduate of the Lewis Carroll School of Logic to express himself in terms of what we called "classroom jargon."
Let it be Winter 19XY and you are in New York City.
Then, in addition to its beatitudes, the streets of Manhattan are full of snow and slush and flotsam and jetsam.
But if XY = 73 we can zero in on the Winter of 1973...
A telephone rings in a most luxurious dwelling on Central Park West.
The call is from La La Land and the caller is Richard Starkey, better known as Ringo Starr.

"Good morning, Yoko. I think I have the solution for the Johnny Problem."
"Richard, you must be referring to that thing in the living room having a loud dueling match with Phil Donohue."
"It is good to know that John is having company at the Dakota."
"Richard that is only true if you consider never turning off the television as 'having company.' But please tell me, Richard. What is the solution to the Johnny Problem?"

One hour later, Yoko was on the phone with her travel agent while her most reliable and experienced assistant hurriedly packed five suitcases. John Lennon was too busy yelling at the television to get involved with another set of Samsonite.
The assistant had packed enough John&Yoko suitcases that she could competently perform the task blindfolded.

Yoko's saying nothing about the destination came as no surprise to the assistant but "two travellers instead of three" was not a customary arrangement. Yoko was staying home where she needed an environment of "problem-free" behavior.

Chauffeurs, chartered planes, and more chauffeurs would safely get the pair to Harry's house.
Yoko Ono did not know the difference between Nilsson and the Nislson Ratings but, according to her mindset, delivering John Lennon to Ringo Starr would be like having Mother Theresa babysit for a troubled child.
*
Please allow this Lewis Carroll student to quote from one of his Variable Philosophy
professors. The information above "may or may not be pure fact but might as well be."

However, there is a foreshadowing pun within that quote because the person referred to as the assistant is the woman most intimately involved with John Lennon's LOST WEEKEND. Her name is May Pang
To put her significance in perspective, imagine a photographer with a front row seat at the Crucifiction who publishes a book called "The Last Weekend."

Sometime during or after John's wild and wildly productive "weekend," he referred to Harry Nilsson as his favorite American artist.







May Pang is seated between Lennon and Nilsson







Holy Schmacaroni!
Photo on left...text on right.
Isn't that how this page began?

The first half of the title (and the parenthetical suffix) are self-explanatory but who exactly are the four Liverpoodles?
According to George Harrison's post-humous autobiography, Paul Is Not Dead But I Am, he tells a tale about a pre-historic, undocumented and poorly-attended Beatles performance at the Cavern Club in their hometown of Liverpool.
At the end of the night, Paul and Ringo harmonized barking sounds for an audience of empty chairs & Tables. John shouted "We're going to the dogs but we're shrinking."
To which I added
"And changing our names to the Four Liverpoodles."



If the rain comes they run and hide their heads
They might as well be dead.
If the rain comes, if the rain comes.
When the sun shines they slip into the shade
And sip their lemonade.
When the sun shines, when the sun shines.
Rain, I don't mind.
Shine, the world looks fine.






Blogger's Notes
Curiouser and curioser is straight outta Alice in Wonderland
The Lewis Carroll Variable Philosophy professor quoted above is the late great matriarch, Etta Seamster.

Coconut Medicine (HN #2)


Doctor, ain't there nothing' I can take?
I said, "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache."
I said "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?'
I said, "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache,"

You put de lime in de coconut, you drink 'em bot' togedder
Put de lime in de coconut and you'll feel better,
Put de lime in de coconut, drink 'em bot' up,
Put de lime in de coconut and call me in the morning.




COCONUT is the copyrighted property of the Harry Nilsson Estate.
If you can watch the youTube video without laughing, please see your doctor in the morning or drink two coconut daquiris.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

This Is Not A John Lennon Post (HN #1)



But obviously that is John Lennon in a wrestling moment. The other guy on the ground is Harry Nilsson, better known as Nilsson, about whom it has been wiki-ed written
Nilsson's career is also notable for the fact that he was one of the few major pop-rock recording artists of his era to achieve significant commercial success without ever performing major public concerts or undertaking regular tours.


While Britian's John Lennon–and his fellow Liverpoodlians–were singing the Marvelettes' Please Mr. Postman in Hamburg, Brooklyn-born Harry Nilsson was recording Please Mr. Music Man–and other original compositions–somewhere in Los Angeles.

*

To quote Nilsson's wrestling partner, Imagine...
There's no host in Hollywood for the Academy Awards...because you time travelled to April 7, 1970
And Everybody's Talking about how an X-rated film just won the Oscar for Best Picture.
Of course, you know that film was Midnight Cowboy. And, of course, you are hip enough to remember that within the blockquote is the name of Midnight Cowboy's theme song.
Everybody's Talking is indisputably the most famous recording ever sung by Harry Nilsson. But I italicize in order to recognize the fact that Harry didn't write it: Fred Neill did.
(And I begicize that you google search for Mr. Neill)

Nilsson did, however, write a song for the film which got pink-slipped but subsequently became a hit for Harry. He performed I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City on the Smothers' Brothers Show

*


To re-quote (and personally reference) Nilsson's wrestling partner, Imagine...
You were born in Liverpool on October 9, 1940 and before you knew it, your father disappears but that doesn't prevent you from becoming otherworldly famous...
Then you discover these song lyrics, written by a Brooklyn boy.

Well, in Nineteen Forty One
The happy father had a son
And in Nineteen Forty Four
The father walked right out the door

Of course, "You" refers to one of the Beatles and the Brooklyn lyricist was Harry Nilsson. And, of course, I do not know this for a fact but I am capable of believing that that particular lyric was a springboard for Nilsson becoming the "enabler" of John Lennon's infamous Lost Weekend


Untonyms (A Poem)


Candor and candy are
As unrelated as
Bullfrogs & church hymns...

But make that
Candid & Candied...
And they become antonyms

Blogger's Notes
This poem is the exclusive property of the Lewis Carroll School of Logic.
Carl Hobbes, an assistant to the Junior Executives of the school, passed it along to me.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Magreetings & Bon Appetit


Is this man having violent thoughts about knives and forks or is he just hungering for food?
Before you know it, he's going to fill the sky with loaves of bread.
(Hopefully not with which to hit someone over the head)

Rene Magritte
La Tempete
(1927)



Magritte  The Golden Legend   (1958)





Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Get Your Ya-Ya's Out...



...If your ya-ya's
Are legal tender.
And you are
Willing to surrender
A lump sum
For an autographed
Rolling Stones album

This 1986 release
According to one review
Is better to look at
Than listen to.


Tuesday, January 22, 2013

To Become a Poet...


take the leaf of a tree
trace its exact shape
the outside edges
and inner lines

memorize the way
it is fastened to the twig
(and how the twig
arches from the branch)
how it springs forth in April
how it is panoplied in July

by late August
crumple it in your hand
so that you smell
its end-of-summer sadness

chew its woody stem

listen to its autumn rattle

watch it as it atomizes
in the November air

then in winter
when there is no leaf left

invent one


Eve Merriam
Reply to the Question
"How Can You
Become A Poet?"


Sunday, January 20, 2013

Alice In FashionLand


With an upscale Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum, this is a very different Alice. Were Lewis Carroll to have written his classic about this particular Alice,
he might have written

That the Queen of Hearts wanted to behead her did not bother Alice as much as the run in her stockings.



Thursday, January 17, 2013

Shame Gets Game




An industry was born on the day the shame of self-consciousness became the pride of self-awareness.

Raymond Syllablender



Tuesday, January 15, 2013

"Please Listen"

The title appeared on one side of an envelope from Our friends at the Plan 9 Music concept.
On the other side was written "Brown Beatles"
The contents are below...
Six words
Five are the same
Split in half
Two songs they name

The first rhymes with Trees:
As in
Please Please Please

Then it be
...Please Please Me

Friday, January 11, 2013

...tattoo over 2a...





A student from Arcadia University immortalized the Quadratic Formula because of the song Pop Goes The Weasel

This is my idea of a radical tattoo!







But math tattoos are older than Jesus.

Four hundred years before he was born,
members of the Pythagorean Society wore
a pentagram tattoo.

It was their equivalent of a "gang" symbol.




There is a plethora of geometric wisdom hidden in the pentagram.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Alien Invasion?






Or is it an event in the Gumby Vertical Olympics?







Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The Good Thief



The bad news:
Photographer Melanie Willhide had her computer stolen.

The good news:
When the computer was recovered, images corrupted in its hard drive provided a valuable lesson in surrealist photography.

The artist was so inspired, she named her next exhibit – To Adrian Rodriguez, With Love – after the thief.


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Shoe Repair


If only it were that easy.


Shoe is a copyrighted comic strip.

But They Are Not Butts...



They are Egarettes, as in Electronic cigarettes.

Cigarette advertising was banned from television in 1971 but last month, that appeared to no longer be the case.

The theme of the nationwide ad could have been written by Rene Magritte:
This is not a cigarette

Not only are appearances deceptive, they can also be satisfying–to the "smoker" and to the people who regulate the standards of television advertising.



Java John








I am the Bean Man
Cupcupachoob...


John Lennon
+ Beatles




Coffee Art by
Jatuporn K.Sujon

Thursday, January 3, 2013

In Cardboard We Trust






Not only does God work in mysterious ways, so do his architects.

The main building ingredient
of this Cathedral is cardboard.






Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The Infinity Family






There are flat infinities, hunchback infinities, bubbling infinities, hyperboloid infinities.
Natalie Angier