NEW MISS AMERICA
IN DANGER OF LOSING CROWN
AFTER OFFICIALS UNCOVER
FROM HER SORDID FUTURE
If you were to google Mallory Hagan today, you would have access to over two million websites. But, according to the hyperbolic logic of Onion News Network...
If you could google for Mallory Hagan exactly five years from today,According to the hyperbolic logic of the Lewis Carroll School, one of those future websites will be entitled the Anti-Vanessa Miss America.
her name will probably give you access to a significantly lower number of websites.
However, if you or me or anybody, presently googles that title, enclosed by quotation marks, the response is...
No results found for "Anti-Vanessa Miss America".
It is presently 7:43 AM Pacific Standard Time and the date is January 30, 2013.
The co-chancellors of the Lewis Carroll School, Etta Seamster and Daniel Dimaria, are on a well-deserved sabbatical. They are inaccessible to me, which would be sad news if it weren't for their Executive Secretary, Carl Hobbes.
Mr. Hobbes confirmed the following unadulterated factual information: Bess Myerson, Vanessa Williams, and Mallory Hagan represented the state of New York before they were crowned Miss America.
Myerson wore the crown in 1945 and Williams wore the crown in 1983.
"Mr. Hobbes would it be reasonable to state that Queen Bess and Queen Vanessa are the two most accomplished Miss America's in the entire history of the pageant?"
"The answer to that question, Paul, is a resounding YES."
"And YES rhymes with Bess and Vaness."
"Are you actually going to post that sentence."
"Mr. Hobbes, I'm certain your bosses' parents would approve."
"And Lewis Carroll would probably do the same. OK, Paul. Consider yes/Bess/Vaness sanctioned but immediately do the yin yang thing and direct this page back to the Anti-Vanessa concept."
"Will do, sir."
Bess Myerson was the first Jewish woman to wear the Miss America crown but in 1988, she was arrested for shoplifting.
Vanessa Williams was the first African-American woman to wear the Miss America crown but she had to relinquish the crown prematurely when "Penthouse Magazine bought and published nude photographs of her." However, the measure of her artistic and Oprah-like talents are enough to launch over thirty million websites.
For Vanessa, her brief encounter with ill-repute has been eclipsed by the current status as one of the most influential women in America and all points elsewhere.
But Mallory Hagan is the only Miss America whose picture is on this page has shock value only because the Onion News Network can report news five years before it happens...after racy photographs, an embarrassing attempt at a singing career, and drug problems have been unearthed in her future.
Pursuant to the Onion prognostication...Imagine this 2018 dialog between two New York women on the Vanessa Yin Yang Channel>>>
Queen Vanessa:: Hey girlfriend, you are the anti-me.
Queen Mallory:: Say what?
Queen Vanessa:: You were not Queen for a day. YOU were Queen For A Year but that year was entirely free of controversy or scandal.
Queen Mallory:: I was just doin' my job, Queen V.
Queen Vanessa:: You put the reign before the racy photographs.
Queen Mallory:: Yeah, so?
Queen Vanessa:: Your purity preceded your pornographic moment and you ended up in Onion poverty and disgrace.
Queen Mallory:: Whatever.
Queen Vanessa:: If only you followed my career path and had a pornographic moment while sitting on the throne...That Miss American throne could have catapulted you to success and...
Queen Mallory:: You going to throw me out now.
Queen Vanessa:: Absolutely not! I am going to adopt you.
Please Please Please forgive me Bess Myerson.
I am sorry for singling out your shoplifting moment and offer this utterly classic bi-cultural video to show off some of your extravagant talent.
The man who moderated the segment was the Godfather of Late Night Comedy, also known as Steve Allen.