THE STRAITS OF MALONE

Abner Malone’s parents were so cheap they bought used Pampers. Whenever they paid him a compliment, he had to give them a receipt. On the occasion of his eighth birthday, he received a brand new bicycle but it was borrowed from a neighbor and had to be returned the next day.

On the occasion of his first date, Abner asked dear old Dad for the car keys but his Father would only trust him with the trunk key. Thus, Amanda Nevewill and Abner Malone sat on a fender and played with a hydraulic jack. In a gesture of approval of her son’s first date, Mrs. Malone gave them a 2-for-1 Big Mac coupon. But Amanda was a vegetarian and it suffices to say that the young romance did not last beyond the first burger.

Abner Malone limped his way through adolescence because of his parents’ frugality. They saved money by buying him one shoe at a time. He was mocked by his peers for wearing such lopsided combinations as a “discounted for defect” platform shoe alongside an old loafer.

Abner did not want to grow up because he believed adults were controlled by fear: fear of not having enough money or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. He wanted to be eternally 10 years old. It was a nice round number and if things ever went wrong, he could always blame them on his kid brother.

Abner spent as much time as possible at Lake Mirage. But as the years went by, his favorite beaches all disappeared. Giggles Beach, with its soft sand and tiny pebbles, used to tickle his feet until they were wet with laughter. It became another Long Island shopping mall with an underground bowling alley where people knocked down innocent pins and wore shirts advertising Harry’s Hardware store.

White Rock Beach was a unique oasis where Abner fabricated water nymphs who would chase him along the shore and make him a prisoner of passion.

Upon that scandalous sand, a housing development was built.
The homes of Ersatz Estates were equipped
with a spectacular view of the mall.

"Man cannot live by beach alone,” proclaimed Joe Gotalotti, the contractor who transformed the sand and surf into concrete and commerce. Though he looked like a bulldozer and had a comparable level of intelligence, Mr. Gotalotti got it right.

Abner Malone became romantically attached to the mall when he fell in love with a delicatessen clerk. It excited him to watch her slice the salami and wrap a sandwich as if she were packaging the family jewels.

Everyday, he bought cashews just to hear her say “Thank you” when she placed the change in the palm of his hand. But Abner no longer had the beaches where he could eat his cashews so he limped around the mall, popping nuts into his mouth.

He had as much ambition as a flat tire. He regarded the future as a big black hole.

Abner needed spiritual illumination beyond the “catechism cataclysm” of Bishop Rook High School. Taught that God was everywhere, Abner wondered whether that left enough room for everyone else. So he (Abner, not God) went to Swami Givabukortwo’s Surplus Spiritual Supply Store and purchased a Divine Light Assembly Kit.

Like a vacuum cleaner, the divine assembly kit included various attachments for different levels of fulfillment. An instructional booklet listed the most ideal hours during which prayers would be answered satisfactorily. (Due to cosmic union regulations, this was no longer a 24-hour service.)

Unfortunately, Abner Malone used a stronger bulb than the Divine light required and the excess illumination blinded the seeker of spiritual vision. This tragedy was enough to drive Abner crazy. But where there is drive, there is purpose suggesting, perhaps, that it is better to be driven blind mad than to have no drive at all.

Abner was unable to get his money refunded for the Divine Light. It was guaranteed to "guide his life" but the warranty did not specify where it would guide him. However, he was able to sell his life story to Peephole Magazine. Here is an excerpt:

How I Lost My Sight But Found Myself
I felt as secure as jello on a toothpick. If I could find God, I’d probably lose His address. For peace of mind, I like to recall pleasant events. I remember the wonderful little birds and fishes I drew in kindergarten. But they’re all dead now.
I found a light at the end of the tunnel.

It is a flashing sign which reads "DO NOT ENTER."

That issue of Peephole Magazine sold more copies than any other until the issue in which  Madonna revealed that, in a previous life, she had an affair with Eleanor Roosevelt.

The limping, blind visionary became an "overnight" media sensation.
Larry King (just a radio host in 1972) asked Abner why he appealed to intellectuals:

I  don't deserve their following...I always thought Fellini was an Italian cat food.

Blindness can easily cause words to be misspelled but, peculiarly, Abner Malone would only misspell certain key words. (Peephole censored "Realigion is when you find a real God.")

The amazing popularity of the former cashew-popping wanderer inspired a book.
Here is an excerpt from THE OBVERSATIONS OF ABNER MALONE: 

Neonderthal Man is the ultimate evolution of the Nuclear age. One big blast and if anyone survives, they will glow like neon.

Itheism is the religion of self-worship in the Church of the Sacred First Person Singular. Statues have been replaced by mirrors and the pews replaced by Nautilus equipment. The more crucifying the work-out, the more praise for the Holy Trinity of Me, Myself & I.

Homesexuals love their home above all else.

Minus Envy is what females experience when the first girl in school (usually named Rosie) loses her virginity and gains a motorcycle jacket. While everyone else goes home on the school bus, Rosie mounts a Harley- Davidson and rides off with a guy named Duke. Rosie minus her innocence is the secret idol of her classmates who openly shun her in order to gain moral brownie points.

The dubious appeal of his social comments spawned an "Illumination Through Darkness" cult.

Cult members called themselves Darkies.
They considered it spiritually fulfilling to wear blindfolds and bump into strangers on the street. Some school-teachers were giving extra-credit for misspelled words and motorcycles jackets became a symbol of alternative education. Limping became fashionable and shoes no longer had to match.

To curb the chaos created by a blind man, public officials and educators agreed that if they could restore Abner Malone’s eyesight, things might return to normal.
Abner was lured into the Hospital of Good Intentions on the pretext of an eye examination and five days later, he went home miraculously cured of his blindness. He was also cured of his deviant spelling patterns and learned how to correctly spell such words as "lobotomy."

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As if all the trees had been cut down to improve his view of the forest, Abner regained his eyesight but lost insight. The only thing he was able to write were checks to pay for his hospital bill. The Darkies disbanded and pledged new allegiance to a guru from Garbanzo who developed his oratorical skills by gargling with chick peas. "Stay askew," they understood him to say when in reality this gargling guru was telling them to "Stay in school."

When Abner Malone regained his eyesight, he limped his way back to the Ersatz Mall.

Lo and behold, the same girl was still slicing salami at the Corner Copia Delicatessen.
Lisa Wells had wanted to join the "Illumination Through Darkness" movement but the day she came to work blindfolded, Lisa cut her finger on the slicing machine.

Before you can say "Hold the mustard," she fell in love with the former messiah. They celebrated their romance over a can of cashews. Abner rented the store next to Lisa's  delicatessen and became a television repairman. But he did not generate much business because he believed that a blank screen provided the best TV reception.

It will require the viewer to exercise pure imagination.

This is what he told his customers, who became an endangered species.
Abner's repair shop shut down after three months.

However, having written a "burstseller"–a controversial book that burst upon the scene, catapulted its author into celebrity then just as quickly ushered him into obscurity–generated more than enough income for Abner Malone and guaranteed a future full of cashews, matching shoes and salami sandwiches.

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Footnotes
THE STRAITS OF MALONE is the copyrighted property of LCSoL.


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